TEN
REASONS WHY FOOTBALL MANAGER IS BETTER THAN YOUR GIRLFRIEND
Football Manager is
more than ‘just a game’; it’s a friend, a good friend, one that comes with an
annual upgrade to help it become an even better friend. OK, so you can’t have
sex with it but you can still have your cake and eat it. Remember; while a woman will get mad if you reject her
to play Football Manager, Football Manager will be understanding of your need
for female attention and wait patiently, in perfect silence, until you decide
to play with it again. Not convinced? I’ve got a few more:
10. PERIODS
Unlike a lady, this management simulator doesn’t bleed from
its vagina, leaving you free to enjoy the bits you really want all month, every month. Likewise, it won’t scream at
you - unnecessarily - for trivial matters like leaving the toilet seat up,
getting skid marks on the side or the subsequent failure to wash your hands (it
was a wonder poo, God dammit!). For those with joint bank accounts, you’ll also
save on tampons.
9. SCOUTING
Let’s face it, your missus isn’t going to be best pleased
when she finds out you were up until 4am, fumbling around on other girls’
Facebook profiles, hunting for the slightest bit of holiday side-boob. But
Football Manager is encouraging of your late night talent-spotting tendencies,
and even permits a team of scouts to assist you in your quest to unearth those *hidden
gems*. The best ones are often 17, unattached and of South American descent.
8. COST-EFFECTIVENESS
A one-off payment of around £30 is usually enough to acquire
the services of this loyal companion for an entire year, while a girlfriend will most
likely demand that PER WEEK in ice cream, lifts to the shops and going over on
your internet data as a result of trying to occupy your mind with something
more engaging than she is. Also, computer games don’t demand Birthday presents,
Anniversary weekends away or Valentine’s chocolates with their name on.
7. TEAM MEETINGS
Your girlfriend calls an urgent meeting. You know it’s
serious but there’s no way you’ll be able to just brush it under the rug and
hope it (/she) goes away. Your assistant however, will try and sit down with
you once a fortnight, but he’s not going to force you. Ignore him if you like,
it won’t hurt his feelings, neither will he hold it against you in the future. Besides, his only
wish was to inform you that one of your full-backs (finishing, 4, composure, 6) should start lobbing the 'keeper in one-on-one situations. Silly old goat.
6. SOCIAL LIFE
“Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will
are you coming back?” - Sound familiar? It wasn’t Football Manager talking,
that’s for sure. Football Manager was far too busy trying to (subconsciously,
of course) reassure you to “relax, have a good night and don’t worry about
waking me up when you’re scratching at the front door at 3am, keyless and
covered in kebab.”
5. STREET CRED
Talking in depth about your partner to pals in the pub will
ensure your popularity drops faster than, well, Portsmouth after they won the
FA Cup that time with all those players they couldn’t actually afford to pay.
However, talking up your managerial prowess over a pint could earn you more man
points than an arm-wrestling victory over Adebayo Akinfenwa. Man has spent many
a late night discussing his latest save in the local speakeasy, while
disgruntled boyfriends look on, enviously, dreaming up next season’s
squad-number list in their heads.
4. FREEDOM
You can’t ring up a lady at half-past-one in the morning and
invite yourself over to hers just because you have urges (well, you can, but is
she really the type of lady you’d like to spend the rest of your life with?), yet when the craving for a spot of late-night, virtual coaching kicks in, Football
Manager will be there, ready to give you your fix. When it’s time for bed, you
can simply turn it off, safe in the knowledge that no repercussions will ever
occur - unless you forgot to press save, in which case all your progress shall
be lost and you’ll have no option but to replay every single match of your
mammoth unbeaten run, scratching your head as you succumb to a 1-0 home defeat
against Wigan Athletic (a team you comfortably beat 3-0 the first time around)
with 28 shots on target to their one - and 66% possession.
3. SLEEPING
Women hog covers. That’s a fact. They roll over and cling on
for dear life, leaving your entire body exposed to the bogeyman or worse...
perverts. But Football Manager doesn’t stand for such nonsense. When it sleeps it
doesn’t need a bed, just a few millimetres width on a book shelf, a floor, or
underneath the empty glass of milk, biscuit wrapper and used tissues which
adorn your bedside table.
2. TACTICAL
VERSATILITY
Remember that exciting new position
you saw being awkwardly portrayed by a tattooed couple on Channel 5’s Sex Education
Show? Well the missus isn’t going to do it, so stop asking. But recall your
amazement when Vicente Del Bosque spawned Spain’s revolutionary 4-6-0 formation
during the 2012 European Championships? Well you too can have your own ‘Cesc
Fabregas’, with the introduction of the ‘false 9’ role to this year’s
instalment - whether you’re just being continental for the sake of it, or an
injury crisis has left you down to the bare bones of Nicklas Bendtner.
1. TOP
TALENT
With a whopping 3,674,821 countries (you’re forgetting all
the little ones like Tahiti, East Timor and Wales), 16,712,904 leagues and
6.6billion teams to choose from, you can be absolutely anyone your heart
desires. Work your way up from the bottom of the ladder - signing one-time
Alfreton Town defenders on amateur contracts - to the top - where world-record
fees can be shelled out on all the latest Spanish re-gens. Let’s be honest, you
can’t do that with a woman, I mean, look at you. You may have had your fair
share of lower-leaguers, but the best you’ll ever get is a six-out-of-ten -
which is the equivalent of signing Kieran Richardson for Stoke City.
