10 Reasons Why Football Manager is Better Than Your Girlfriend

TEN REASONS WHY FOOTBALL MANAGER IS BETTER THAN YOUR GIRLFRIEND

                                                                                                                                                        

Football Manager is more than ‘just a game’; it’s a friend, a good friend, one that comes with an annual upgrade to help it become an even better friend. OK, so you can’t have sex with it but you can still have your cake and eat it. Remember; while a woman will get mad if you reject her to play Football Manager, Football Manager will be understanding of your need for female attention and wait patiently, in perfect silence, until you decide to play with it again. Not convinced? I’ve got a few more:

10. PERIODS

Unlike a lady, this management simulator doesn’t bleed from its vagina, leaving you free to enjoy the bits you really want all month, every month. Likewise, it won’t scream at you - unnecessarily - for trivial matters like leaving the toilet seat up, getting skid marks on the side or the subsequent failure to wash your hands (it was a wonder poo, God dammit!). For those with joint bank accounts, you’ll also save on tampons.

9. SCOUTING

Let’s face it, your missus isn’t going to be best pleased when she finds out you were up until 4am, fumbling around on other girls’ Facebook profiles, hunting for the slightest bit of holiday side-boob. But Football Manager is encouraging of your late night talent-spotting tendencies, and even permits a team of scouts to assist you in your quest to unearth those *hidden gems*. The best ones are often 17, unattached and of South American descent.

8. COST-EFFECTIVENESS

A one-off payment of around £30 is usually enough to acquire the services of this loyal companion for an entire year, while a girlfriend will most likely demand that PER WEEK in ice cream, lifts to the shops and going over on your internet data as a result of trying to occupy your mind with something more engaging than she is. Also, computer games don’t demand Birthday presents, Anniversary weekends away or Valentine’s chocolates with their name on.

7. TEAM MEETINGS

Your girlfriend calls an urgent meeting. You know it’s serious but there’s no way you’ll be able to just brush it under the rug and hope it (/she) goes away. Your assistant however, will try and sit down with you once a fortnight, but he’s not going to force you. Ignore him if you like, it won’t hurt his feelings, neither will he hold it against you in the future. Besides, his only wish was to inform you that one of your full-backs (finishing, 4, composure, 6) should start lobbing the 'keeper in one-on-one situations. Silly old goat.

6. SOCIAL LIFE

“Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will are you coming back?” - Sound familiar? It wasn’t Football Manager talking, that’s for sure. Football Manager was far too busy trying to (subconsciously, of course) reassure you to “relax, have a good night and don’t worry about waking me up when you’re scratching at the front door at 3am, keyless and covered in kebab.”

5.  STREET CRED

Talking in depth about your partner to pals in the pub will ensure your popularity drops faster than, well, Portsmouth after they won the FA Cup that time with all those players they couldn’t actually afford to pay. However, talking up your managerial prowess over a pint could earn you more man points than an arm-wrestling victory over Adebayo Akinfenwa. Man has spent many a late night discussing his latest save in the local speakeasy, while disgruntled boyfriends look on, enviously, dreaming up next season’s squad-number list in their heads.

4. FREEDOM

You can’t ring up a lady at half-past-one in the morning and invite yourself over to hers just because you have urges (well, you can, but is she really the type of lady you’d like to spend the rest of your life with?), yet when the craving for a spot of late-night, virtual coaching kicks in, Football Manager will be there, ready to give you your fix. When it’s time for bed, you can simply turn it off, safe in the knowledge that no repercussions will ever occur - unless you forgot to press save, in which case all your progress shall be lost and you’ll have no option but to replay every single match of your mammoth unbeaten run, scratching your head as you succumb to a 1-0 home defeat against Wigan Athletic (a team you comfortably beat 3-0 the first time around) with 28 shots on target to their one - and 66% possession.

3. SLEEPING

Women hog covers. That’s a fact. They roll over and cling on for dear life, leaving your entire body exposed to the bogeyman or worse... perverts. But Football Manager doesn’t stand for such nonsense. When it sleeps it doesn’t need a bed, just a few millimetres width on a book shelf, a floor, or underneath the empty glass of milk, biscuit wrapper and used tissues which adorn your bedside table.

2. TACTICAL VERSATILITY

Remember that exciting new position you saw being awkwardly portrayed by a tattooed couple on Channel 5’s Sex Education Show? Well the missus isn’t going to do it, so stop asking. But recall your amazement when Vicente Del Bosque spawned Spain’s revolutionary 4-6-0 formation during the 2012 European Championships? Well you too can have your own ‘Cesc Fabregas’, with the introduction of the ‘false 9’ role to this year’s instalment - whether you’re just being continental for the sake of it, or an injury crisis has left you down to the bare bones of Nicklas Bendtner.

1. TOP TALENT

With a whopping 3,674,821 countries (you’re forgetting all the little ones like Tahiti, East Timor and Wales), 16,712,904 leagues and 6.6billion teams to choose from, you can be absolutely anyone your heart desires. Work your way up from the bottom of the ladder - signing one-time Alfreton Town defenders on amateur contracts - to the top - where world-record fees can be shelled out on all the latest Spanish re-gens. Let’s be honest, you can’t do that with a woman, I mean, look at you. You may have had your fair share of lower-leaguers, but the best you’ll ever get is a six-out-of-ten - which is the equivalent of signing Kieran Richardson for Stoke City.